With Great Sadness

My last message to Gosia (unanswered), "??No credit on your phone. Anyway if you don't come you will find you will find your favourite yoghurt at home plus a little bit of risotto"

The yoghurt and rissoto are still there. Her new jacket is in the hallway. An unopened birthday card in the kitchen next to a very long stemmed rose in a jam jar.

A pile of clothes in the corner on a chair. Toiletries.

I'm listening to Anita Lipnicka and John Porter "Rose" trying to make sense of it all. We would often listen to their songs.

It's only in the last few days that I realised that she might be depressed. But I didn't know how deeply. She had paid for her tickets to America and had plans to start teaching in Spain in October. Who would have thought it. I asked her what the duct tape on the chest of drawers was for? She needed it to help her father. Apparently part of her suicide kit.

On Monday police traced her last message to Bodzentyn. She had gone there after spending the weekend in Kielce with her family. She told her father she was going to Warsaw with me for a barbecue. He even dropped her at the station, but she had declined being seen onto the train. I checked her laptop. Emails she had sent to herself (perhaps as reminders) gave some clues. A website about a holiday cottage. An article on a website called "the easy way out". The duct tape, the charcoal grill it all made sense now. I passed the information to her father who was at the police station in Kielce. I asked how her mother had died six months ago, it was suicide. Ten minutes later I got the call.

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